


You Can't Be Strong All The Time

by MetalStranger



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Accidents, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Car Accidents, Depression, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Hurt John, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Institutions, Multi, My First AO3 Post, Suicide Attempt, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 13:55:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11738457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MetalStranger/pseuds/MetalStranger
Summary: First post on AO3 but i read on here all the time!After an accident, the trio must figure out how to navigate their lives.





	You Can't Be Strong All The Time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [one_golden_sun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/one_golden_sun/gifts).



> ***TRIGGER WARNING***   
> There is a (sort of?) suicide attempt, someone getting hit by a car, depression, (kinda?) anxiety, mental illness issues, and a PTSD psychotic break. If you are sensitive to that kind of thing, this is probably not one for you.

"Laf I'm going to be fine. I can take the bus alone I'm a big boy." Lafayette laughed at John's almost pout that accompanied that proclamation and shook his head, "I know mon amour but it just makes me feel better if i was to be the one to take you... its an important meeting and you want to be there on time and unexpected delays can hap--" "Alex, Tell Laf he is being ridiculous! You ride the bus all the time!" Alexander's eyes widened as he looked at Laf, who gave him a look that almost resembled fear. "Mon chou what is he talking about?..." Alexander punched Johns shoulder lightly and looked at Laf, "I um... when i go to the gym... i drive to the next street over and park in that one guy's drive way... John Andre? the one who works with us on getting information from different sources?" Alexander looked down, not wanting to see Lafayette's face. Laf shook his head and looked at John, "You knew about this?" John shook his head quickly, "No no no no no, i knew he rode the bus but i assumed he had told you he did? i mean he has a bus pass..." Alexander looked up at John, "Hush your pretty mouth Laurens!" he hissed before looking back down at the ground avoiding Laf's lazer gaze. "I will deal with you later Alexander. Keep walking we're almost there." Alex wrapped an arm around Lafs and Laf shrugged and let him before turning to John, "I have a feeling you knew Alexander was taking the bus... but what i want to know, mon petit, is how you would know that?" John blanched and looked down at the ground. "I-i dont kn--" Lafayette shook his head and tapped Johns cheek, "Please dont lie to me John..." John looked up at him for a second before dropping his gaze again, "Im sorry... its faster and i usually take it wh--" Lafayette sighed quietly, "Its okay mon petit... i understand... um... lets just walk back to the hotel though... S'il vous plait?" John nodded and linked arms with Laf. They walked in silence for a few blocks until John attempts to take a peek at Laf, who looks a little distraught. "Laf why are you so put out about this?" Lafayette made a noncommittal grunt and kept walking. John pulled Laf to a stop and Lafayette tried to pull away but was held firm by John. "Let go of me John." John held fast, "Laf tell me. What's wrong!?" "Let go of me Laurens" Lafayette hissed. John glared back and kept a firm grip on his arm. "Not until you tell me whats wrong!"

It all happened in a flash. Lafayette pushing John off of his arm, John losing his balance, the loud screech of a trucks breaks, a scream and a thud.

When Lafayettes brain caught up with his vision he got a glimpse of John, eyes closed, laying in a pile of blood on the street, Alexander shaking him harshly, screaming and begging him to speak. The truck driver was on the phone frantically screaming to the operator on the other line. Lafayette slowly made is way to Alexanders side and set a hand on his shoulder, causing the Caribbean man to push him off and scream, "DON'T TOUCH ME!" Laf recoiled as if he had been burned as Alexander refocused his attention to the love of his life laying on the street bleeding out in his arms. Lafayette backed up, stumbling a bit before he tripped and landed on the sidewalk. He brought his knees up to his chest, curled his arms around himself and tried to slow down his racing thoughts. 'I killed him. I killed John. My little love, the southerner that stole his heart and ran with it. I pushed him. Into a truck. He's gone. The last thing I did was angrily push him. He's dead because of me. Alexander will never forgive me. Ever. Ive ruined everything.' His thoughts quickly sped up, spiralling downwards until all that was left was a deathly quiet mantra "J'aurais dû mourir. Il aurait dû vivre. Je devrais simplement mourir." He felt hands on him, he heard voices and sirens from what sounded like miles away, his lungs began to burn, and his world turned black.

"Gilbert!" Lafayette heard a voice say as he was shook awake. His eyes shot open and all he could see was blurs, his stomach felt like it had been flipped inside out and he felt like his skin was melting. "Chaud.... Chaud! C'est trop chaud!" He frantically tried to pull of the constrictive surface covering him but was quickly held down. A face appeared in front of him, something in the back of his mind registered that the face was familiar but all he felt in that moment was trapped. "Aidez-moi! Aidez-moi! Quelqu'un s'il vous plait, il fait tellement chaud que je ne peux pas respirer!" The face was back, as well as a few more, his brain was in full panic, images from the war emerged, his brain shorted and gave way to muscle memory. He pushed the people off of him, screaming. He attempted to get up but his waist and ankles were tied down. "Laurens! Hamilton! Où es-tu? J'ai besoin d'une sauvegarde!" His arms were flailing and his stomach was doing backflips, Had the enemy captured him? Where were his friends? Were they captured too? He needed to rescue them! He started flailing harder and he heard something snap. He could move his feet! He quickly maneuvered out of the waist strap and jumped from bed in a fighting stance. In front of him was two men with guns, he ran at them, ducking underneath their lines of fire, grabbing the barrel and disarming both men before kicking them both in the stomach. He heard a noise behind him and stood still, he went to turn and shoot when he heard a familiar voice. "Major General Lafayette! Its Major General Hamilton, put the gun down." The Frenchman's body relaxed as he turned to face him, he set the gun down and smiled. "Hamilton! Oh merci dieu! Where is Colonel Laurens?" Hamilton's body stance changed and he took a deep breath, "Laf, do you know where we are?" The Frenchman shook his head, "No idea, must be somewhere behind enemy lines. Where were we last... over near the fort right? Left side, the probably have taken us---" "Gil. No." The stern tone in Hamilton's voice caught his attention. "Where do you think they have moved us then Major?" "Lafayette we're in the hospital." The frenchman sighed, "Prisoner of war camp? Hmm... So the only one General Washington informed us about was over by---" "LAF WE AREN'T IN THE WAR!" The foreigner looked at Hamilton for a while, unblinking. "They've gotten to you... you are with them now!" He jumped for the gun but before he could reach it he was pushed to the floor, looking up he saw Hamilton's face, bright red and blotchy with tears. "I'm sorry Laf..." He said before picking up the gun and shooting Lafayette's neck, he felt a stab and attempted to wrestle Hamilton off of him but was met by an unbeatable wall of exhaustion. The last thing he sees is Hamilton leaning down to give him a kiss on his forehead. Then, the world dissolved.

"It's been a week since the incident, shouldn't we at least try to talk to him now?" "Mr. Hamilton i know you want him better faster but if we wake him up and he has another psychotic break, he could seriously injure not only my staff but also you. You were lucky last time." "He wont hurt me! He would never hurt anyone he loves." "Try telling that to Mr. Laurens." A resonating sound of a hand across a face rang through the room, followed by a cough to cover up a sob, "Don't you EVER s-speak to m-me that w-way again. W-wake him up! Let me t-talk to him!" Lafayette heard footsteps closing in and then he felt a stab in his arm. It took the Frenchman a few minutes before he could regain function and opened his eyes. Above him was an unfamiliar face, with a tint of red covering half of his face. He was quickly pushed aside and Lafayette's field of vision was filled with Alexander. Puffy eyed, disheveled Alexander. Lafayette went to say something but all that came out was a groan. Alexander gave him a small smile and Laf felt his hand rub the side of his face gently, "Hi honey... can you talk to me?" Lafayette opened his mouth slightly and some noise came out. Alexander looked at the other person in the room, "Doctor why isn't he speaking?" He man stepped into Lafayette's peripheral vision, "He was given a muscle relaxer so that he would not have another manic episode and harm others, it should take him only a few more minutes before he can speak and move again." Alexander nodded and took his boyfriend's hand before laying his head on Lafayette's chest and closing his eyes, inhaling the calming smell of his boyfriend that had begun to fade and be replaced by hospital smell but it was still present in the most minimal form. 

It was about ten minutes before Lafayette spoke, his head still foggy and confused, not being able to hold onto a thought for too long before it evaded him. "A-Alex?" his voice sounded hoarse from lack of use. Alexander raised his head and looked at Lafayette, his eyes sparkling with tears, "Hey Laf... how are you?" The Frenchman blinked and let the words sink into his skin before he could figure out how to answer, "I... I don't know... What happened?" Alexander looked down sadly, "Well... we were walking home together, you, John, and I. You were upset about something with the bus... John grabbed your arm and you two were arguing... you pulled your arm from him, he tripped and landed in front of a truck..." Lafayette felt his breathing start to go faster and his heart rate monitor started beeping. "Mr. Hamilton. He's panicking. Unless you can fix this quickly I'm going to ask you to leave." Alexander spit a 'Fuck you' at the doctor before looking back at Lafayette, who had begun to mumble "i killed John... my baby boy... he's dead... i killed him..." Alexander felt his stomach fall and his heart hurt. "Lafayette i need you to listen carefully... okay? Stop talking. Just stop..." Lafayettes eyes widened and squeezed Alexander's hand to show he was listening, even if he was still crying helplessly.

"John is alive, Laf. Hes got some injuries, but nothing too severe. Laf what happened to John was not your fault... i thought it was originally but when i talked to John, he said that he tripped over a really big crack in the sidewalk. You removing your arm, that was keeping him balanced, caused him to stumble, attempt to walk again, and end up tripping over the crack into the street." Lafayette's heart rate had evened out slightly as he processed the information. "J-john is okay?" The images of the accident flooded into his mind and he felt his stomach churn... "There was so much blood... y-you screamed at me..." Alexander nodded, looking at the heart rate monitor as it started beeping again, "I thought... i thought you pushed him... i thought you did all they way up until John woke up and told me he tripped. He asked where you were... Laf do you know where you are?" Lafayette went to turn his head and realized he couldn't move it. He shook his head violently and when he went to reach up to try and fix the movement in his head, he realized his hands were also tied down. "ROUGE! RED! LET ME GO!" The heart rate machine started beeping loudly and Alexander reached up and untied his head and untied his arms, "Shhh... Laf its okay. Please calm down mon amour..." "W-where am I? Why was I tied down? H-hard limit... no tie downs..." His heart rate was still above usual and the doctor started to tap his foot impatiently, a look of disgust on his face from Lafayette's words. Alexander brushed it off and looked at Laf, "Baby how much do you remember about being here? Anything?" Lafayette took a minute to calm down, after regaining his bearings, he remembers bright lights, tons of different faces, something being shoved into his mouth and needle sticks in his arms. "Nothing really... Am I at the hospital? Am I hurt?" He looked down at his arms to see bandages and his eyes widened, "What happened!?" Alexander shushed him and kissed his hand. "I need you to breathe with me Laf. Okay?" Lafayette nodded as Alexander guided Lafs hand to his chest and took deep breaths, which the Frenchman followed to the best of his abylity. "Good job. Now what im gonna tell you may make you a little upset so if you want me to stop just say so okay my love?" Lafayette nodded. 

"Okay... so after the John thing... they found you on a street about a block away from where John was. You were in an alleyway, muttering... muttering some stuff i never want to hear out of your mouth. Um... so they brought you to the Psychiatric ward... I, at first, didn't come see you... and i regret that deeply but... i came in after John woke up and told me what happened. So, about three days after being in here, you finally fell asleep. I came to see you but you were asleep so they had me wait in the waiting room and they said they would wake you up. I dont know what happened exactly... i heard you yelling in French, you were asking for backup and asking for 'Hamilton' so my immediate thought was a war flashback.... you still okay?" Lafayette nodded slowly, he vaugely remembered something like that but all the details were blurry. He didnt often have flashbacks but when he did they were usually really bad. Alexander squeezed his hand gently and continued, "When i came in you had incapacitated two guards, you were bleeding down your arms, and you had taken the medication guns. I addressed you by your formal military title and you responded in kind, still in the flashback, but calm. I tried to help you out of the disillusion slowly but eventually my emotions got the worst of me. I tried to snap you out of it... you snapped and lunged for the gun. I got it before you and shot you with the muscle relaxer in it. They have had you on the muscle relaxer since but just in case you woke up and had another break they strapped you down..." The Frenchman nodded again before closing his eyes. His mind was racing but there were only four words swimming around his mind. "I'm so sorry Alexander" The Caribbean man tilted his head and raised an eyebrow, "Sorry for what?" Lafayette opened his eyes and shook his head, "I'm supposed to take care of you. and John. and look what has happened. John is hurt and I am in the mental facility. I promise Ill try to be better I'll---" He was cut off by Alexander's lips covering his. The kiss was desperate and there was so much passion thrown into it. When Alexander leanded back he was smiling, "You are perfect Laf. This is just a bump in the road. What's important is that you and John are both safe. Fuck Laf it has been so depressing without you. I missed you so much. John and I both did." Lafayette smiled, "I love you Alexander, im sorry for frightening you and for as long as i live i will make sure that you and John are okay. I have never felt more pain in my entire life then when i thought i lost both of you that day." Some tears fell from the Frenchman's eyes and Alexander's followed suit. Alex turned to the doctor and motioned to Laf. "He's feeling better now. Do a psych eval, write him a prescription for anti psychosis meds and let me take him home." The doctor opened his mouth to protest but before he could Alexander spoke again, "I swear to fucking god if you try to say he needs more observation i will not hesitate to end your career. You like your nice, high paying doctor job? Sign his release forms before I file for sexual assault, and rest assured, I am very convincing." The doctor's eyes grew wide as he essentially ran out of the room. 

Lafayette let out a small laugh, "Did you seriously just do that?" Alexander nodded, "We need you at home Laf. Nothing has been going right. Neither John or I could function while you were here. And with him being hurt... Fuck Laf i don't know how you stay put together through our bullshit. I'm surprised you aren't here every week. John and i have been---" Lafayette smiled and kissed Alexander to make him shut up. "Mon chou, there is nothing in this world i would rather do then be with you two. No matter how many times you two drive me crazy. I love you both so unbelievably much." Alexander laid his head on Lafayette's chest and listened to his heartbeat, his thoughts finally able to shut off knowing that John and Laf were both safe and sound.

The drive home from the hospital was quiet and uneventful. When they got the the apartment building Lafayette could feel his stomach churn, he hadn't seen John since the accident and didnt know what to expect. Lafayette held his breath as he opened the door to the apartment. He didn't know what exactly to expect, being gone for two weeks after such an incident, but he didn't expect a perfectly clean house, the smell of bread floating through the air, or his boyfriend sitting in a wheelchair. "LAF!!!" he wheeled over quickly and wrapped his arms around his taller boyfriends waist. "I missed you so much Laf you dont even know! Alexander has been driving me CRAZY! Every two seconds its "John are you okay?" "John do you need help?" "John are you okay to go to the bathroom by yourself" Like FOR FUCKS SAKE! LET A MAN TAKE A PISS IN PEACE!" While John was busy ranting, Lafayette was busy falling to his knees and sobbing into John's shoulder. When John realized what was going on he was more then a little confused, "Lafayette? Babe? Are you okay?" Lafayette looked up at John with a smile on his face that were a complete juxtaposition compared to the tears falling down his face. "I love you... very much John. I just want you to know that..." John smiled weakly before wiping Laf's eyes. "Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while." Lafayette burst into a fit of laughter, "The Princess Bride? Êtes-vous sérieux John? I was trying to be romantic and lovey and you made it into a movie reference." Alexander walked up behind John and hugged him from behind. "I love you both, movie references and cheesy love phrases alike." "Love you too 'Lex." "Je t'aime aussi"

About 3 weeks later, John got to sleep in the same bed as them again, since his back injuries were healing nicely. After They all ate dinner and showered, the tgree clammered into bed, Alexander immediately wrapping around John, who immedately clung to Lafayette. The Frenchman smiled and turned on his side to face the smaller man and fell deep into the pools of love and reassurance in his eyes. "I love you so much John. Please don't ever forget that..." the words made Johns heart twist. Lafayette had said the same thing before bed every night since he got home. John couldn't tell if it was endearing or frightening. Never the less, John smiled and kissed Laf gently, "I love you too Laf, i always will." The Frenchman closed his eyes and kept himself a bit distant from John, letting Alexander cuddle him closely to his body. Lafayette laid still until he heard soft breathing from both of his boyfriends and got up, as he had been. The Frenchman made his way to the bathroom and rinsed off his face, wiping away the concealer under his eyes that kept the dark circles from showing. The last thing he needed was to make his boyfriends fret over him when he didn't deserve it. He made his way onto their patio which over looked New York city and sat on a chair. He pulled his knees up to his chest, and let his thoughts flood through his body.

Every single insecurity, every single mistake, every single time he had done anything wrong, flooded his thoughts, his eyes, and his lungs, making it hard for him to breathe without pain. Good, he deserved the pain. The images of John on the ground in a pool of blood clouded his vision, the look on Alexander's face when he had touched him. They were fresh images, clear with all the perfectly destructive details there for him to see. He coughed when attempting to take too deep of a breath and settled for short painful ones. His head was pounding, or maybe it was his heart, not that it mattered, all his sense were smashed into on ball of pain that he attempted to swallow time and time again. He couldn't hear real sounds, only sirens and screams. He couldnt taste anything but the blood from his raw throat due to his incessant coughing. His eyes were shut but the painful images flooded his minds eye. His nose was clogged with the fluids attempting to flee his slowly deteriorating body. His hands were holding his knees up to his chest, nails biting in and drawing small streams of blood to run down his leg, not that he could feel it however, Lafayette was used to the pain now.

Pain.

It fogged all his senses, it was the root that kept him grounded to this spot, in this chair, forcing him to feel the repercussions of all his life choices. Then, there was more pain. An unusual one, accompanied by a noise, a distant voice, sounding like it was shouted from a thousand miles away. His name echoed through his head, his minds eyes adjusting the image of Alexander, shivering shaking and crying, much like himself right now. He attempts to help him but the moment he goes to help another sharp pain shoots through his body. He recognized it as his ears, due to the sound growing louder, that had pained him could not identify why. His mind searched to fill in the hole to keep him in his head, which he was slowly being pulled from. One more stab of pain, the loudest noise yet, and he was thrust into reality, eyes shooting open, coughing violently, trying to get a grip on the reality which he was so roughly thrown into.

His eyes searched before they landed on Alexander, shaking and crying and clutching his chest. "LAFAYETTE! PLEASE GOD NO!" He looked around at his surroundings, he was sitting on their railing, an immeasurable amount of feet below him that ended on a busy highway, even in the middle of the night. His eyes grew at the realization of what was happening. He fell backwards back onto their patio, lungs burning in an attempt to acquire oxygen that was currently evading him. Alexander was immedately at his side. Pulling him close to his chest and sobbing into his hair. Why was Alexander crying? What had he done now to hurt his little lion? Then realization shoots through his veins like a drug, he had been sitting on the balcony railing, Alexander thought... oh god... Lafayette turns away from Alexander and throws up on the ground. The acid in his stomach coating his mouth, causing him to throw up again. What little food Lafayette had eaten in the past 24 hours was now on display on their patio floor. Alexander only pulls him closer, examining his face with a look of pure terror. "What is wrong with you?! Why were you up there?! Why are you crying!? And shaking?! And oh my god Laf the bags under your eyes! Oh god!" Alexander fell into another round of tears. Lafayette felt his heart squeeze with pain. You hurt Alexander. You hurt John. All because you cant handle a little pain. What a fucking weakling. Lafayette leaned away and dry heaved again.

Alexander looked at him and hugged him closer, "I love you... im so scared Laf... please say something..." Lafayette let out whimper and shook his head, "I d-dont deserve you. O-or J-john. I deserve this. The p-pain. I dont know how i ended up t-there... but..." Alexander shook his head and held him tighter. "No. Not even close Laf. John and I are the lucky ones. We love you so much. We wouldnt be anywhere without you. What happened? Why do you feel like this?" Lafayette's sobs hadnt calmed at all but his breathing was the slightest bit better and the pain had stopped. "John... I-I hurt John..." Alexander shook his head. He knew, after seeing the look Laf gave John after seeing him in that wheelchair, that Lafayette was gonna blame himself. He acted happy... but his smile had dampened a lot and he quit his job and didnt attempt to find a new one when John was stable. "Laf why didnt you tell us you were feeling upset? We could have brought you to a therapist. We could have talked through it. Laf you didnt hurt John. John got hurt in an accident. He has told you that multiple times... Laf... i cant lose you... neither of us can." Lafayette nodded, his head throbbing, unable to push away the raw guilt that was clawing its way up his throat. Alexander shook his head, "I love you Lafayette..." Laf looked up at Alexander and nodded slowly, "I love you too Alexander."

It was about three weeks later, Lafayette went to the therapist and got diagnosed with PTSD along with depression and anxiety disorders. He went to the doctor and got medication to try to ease away his pain. They all sat at the kitchen table, John in Lafayette's lap, Alexander leaning his head on his shoulder. Alexander gripped Lafayette's leg a little tighter to get his attention. Laf looked over to Alex, who pointed at John, who had fallen asleep on his chest. "He's precious..." Lafayette said in a whisper. Alexander nodded, "So are you my darling." Lafayette smiled and leaned over carefully to kiss Alexander without disturbing John. "Im sorry." Lafayette whispered like he does a thousand times a day. Alexander shakes his head, "Im just glad you both are okay Laf, really." Lafayette went to give him another kiss when all of their phone alarms went off at once. "PILLS!!!" Lafayette and Alexander yelled, startling the sleeping John. They turned off their phones and Alexander grabbed their medications. John's three pills, Lafayette's three pills, Alexander's two pills. Alexander shook his head, "Bottoms up my fucked up friends!" They all took their medication and laughed at Alexander's joke. "I love you both very much." Lafayette said after a long silence. John nodded, "No matter what, I love you guys too." Alexander smiled, "No matter how many times we all fuck up. We will always be together. I love you guys too." They all shared a warm hug and smiled at eachother. They had been through hell together, and their relationship came out stronger then ever. None of them could have asked for a better life.


End file.
